What constitutes a fulfilled life?
There are a lot of ideas out there about what constitutes “fulfillment.” Some people think being successful will make them fulfilled, while others chase happiness, hoping that will bring lasting peace. But in my interaction with people, I have found that the answer lies in a different path: the search for meaning. When people chase and value success and happiness the way our culture encourages us to, they end up feeling miserable. But people who have a sense of meaning and purpose in life, according to research, do better at school and at work, feel more content, and even live longer.
The question is — how can we find our purpose and lead meaningful lives?
The first step is understanding what meaning is and is not. “Meaning” is a vague term, and sometimes people think that meaning is the same thing as happiness. However, according to psychologists and philosophers, the two are different. Happiness is a positive mental and emotional state — and it comes and goes: when you feel good you’re happy, and when you feel bad you’re unhappy. Meaning, though, is bigger. The defining feature of a meaningful life is connecting and contributing to something beyond yourself — whether it’s your family, your school, nature, the world, or God. When people tell psychologists that their lives are meaningful, it’s because three conditions have been satisfied: they feel that their lives are significant and worthwhile, they believe that their lives are driven by a sense of purpose, and they believe that their lives are part of a bigger story
Sometimes, though not always, meaning and happiness can actually be at odds. One study found, for example, that kids who did chores had a greater sense of purpose in life. The reason is that they felt like they were contributing to their families. Another study found that activities like studying, practicing a musical instrument, or forgiving a friend brought greater meaning in life, while activities like playing video games, eating ice cream, and taking a nap brought greater happiness. The things we do that make our lives meaningful, like studying or doing the chores, don’t always make us happy, because they can be hard or stressful. But they do bring us a more lasting sense of fulfillment and meaning. Beyond sounding vague, the idea of leading a meaningful life can feel overwhelming. Do I have to find a cure for cancer to lead a meaningful life? Do I have to launch a company like Facebook and change the world? Do I have to travel to distant monasteries and temples? That’s what I thought at first. Turning to what the research in psychology says about meaning, to what philosophers and sages through time have written about it, and to the stories of the many people I have had the opportunity to interact with, I found that there are four specific pillars of meaning that we can each build in our lives to find deeper fulfillment. The four pillars of meaning are; belonging, transcendence, storytelling, and purpose.
Belonging
While It is not lost on me that during the onset of Covid 19, lockdowns, social distancing measures, and quarantine protocols led to increased social isolation. Many people today still experience a lack of physical connection with friends, family, and communities. The absence of face-to-face interactions disrupted regular social routines, potentially contributing to feelings of loneliness and a diminished sense of belonging. Relationships are certainly important for fulfillment, but belonging is about being in a certain kind of relationship — one in which you are valued for who you are, and where you value others for who they are. Some relationships are defined by false belonging: you’re valued for how you look or what you do, and not for who you are. True belonging requires accepting the other person no matter what, and feeling accepted in turn. In the age of Social media, (Side-eyeing Instagram and TikTok), it can be easy to be distracted by our phones and ignore the people around us. It’s possible to build some belonging through our online connections, but true belonging requires actual contact with another person, whether it’s meeting face-to-face or talking on the phone.
Transcendence
Transcendent experiences are those moments when you feel totally absorbed by something beyond yourself. This can happen when you’re in the zone playing sports or a musical instrument, when you become completely absorbed in your schoolwork when you get lost in a song you’re listening to, or are overwhelmed by awe and wonder in nature (I fancy myself, a ‘Mountain girlie’) or at a religious or spiritual service. These experiences make us forget ourselves and feel connected to something much bigger. When the experience is over, people feel replenished and like they have a better perspective on themselves and the world.
Storytelling
This pillar is about the story you tell about yourself — what kind of person do you think you are, how did you get that way, and where is your life going? Unfortunately, a lot of people tell negative stories about themselves, like “I’ll never fit in,” or “I’m no good,” or “I’ll never be smart enough.” These stories are almost never true. One of the quirks of being human is having what psychologists call a “negativity bias.” When something bad happens, like getting a bad grade, it affects us much more powerfully than when something good happens and therefore has the power to alter our story more powerfully. If you find yourself telling a negative story — which many of us do; it’s very normal and common — ask yourself what the evidence is for that story, and then see if you can find contrary evidence. For example, if you feel left out and conclude “No one likes me,” try to remember moments you’ve connected and had fun with others. Another strategy is to pretend that you’re talking to a friend. If your friend told you, “No one likes me,” you’d try to comfort them and prove them wrong. Be as kind to yourself as you are to your friends.
Purpose
I saved this pillar for last because I think it may be the most interesting one for kids to reflect on. Psychologists define purpose as a big goal that organizes your life and involves making a contribution to others. If that sounds abstract, think of it like this: How do you want to make the world a better place? Several years ago, I had the chance to spend some time with high school students from around the country who told me about their purposes. One girl said she wanted to be a law enforcement officer one day. Her purpose, she said, was to make her neighborhood, and therefore the world, a safer place. Another wanted to become a doctor to help people when they’re sick. His purpose was to help reduce suffering.
In studies, when students identify how they want to make the world a better place, they end up getting better grades and feel less motivated to be distracted by computer games. This is because purpose gives us a reason to push through the good, the bad, and the boring of life to accomplish our greater goals. I should mention one more thing: Your purpose can change over time, and some people have more than one purpose. If you’re unsure what your purpose is, don’t worry: part of being young is figuring that out. Keep paying attention to what you enjoy studying and doing, work hard, and reflect on the ways you would like to make your dent, however big or small, in the world.
Regardless of which pillar you value most, there are concrete things you can do to build each one in your life. For example, to build belonging, you can choose to spend your lunch period getting to know a friend better or making conversation with one of the teachers or staffers at your school. To build purpose, you can reflect on how you want to make the world a better place and then work hard in school to help you accomplish that goal. To build storytelling, you can begin keeping a journal. To build transcendence, you can go for a walk through the woods or listen to a beautiful piece of music.
If you or anyone you know is having trouble finding purpose in life, head over to the nearest library or bookstore, and find a book that might interest you. Repeat this several times, maybe even build a book journal, write down your reflections, and see how they affect you. One of the great options to start with is Ikigai, the Japanese secret to finding the meaning of life.
Other notable books for purpose finding:
The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
The Art of Work: A Proven Path to Discovering What You Were Meant to Do by Jeff Goins
The Icarus Deception by Seth Godin
The Headspace Guide to Meditation and Mindfulness by Andy Puddicombe
